Have you ever been subjected to rudeness, been left out or had your personal boundaries breached? Forgiving such violations can be a challenging endeavour. Furthermore, dwelling on these offences and holding onto resentment can amplify your pain.
“Remaining in that negative state of mind benefits us in no way. Instead, it can wear us out – deteriorating our heart, soul, and nervous system. It may also influence our blood pressure and compromise our immune system. Essentially, we stay in a ‘fight’ mode, which is quite stressful,” states Ciarán Coyle of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and psychotherapist at Fettle.ie.
Be benevolent
If you reframe the scenario and view your offender from a sympathetic perspective, it can be more beneficial than seeing them as an adversary.
“It’s key to express kindness and remember that they, like you, are human and can err,” elucidates Coyle. “It might not be instantly noticeable in the heat of the situation, but the more understanding you express, the more likely you are to view things from that angle.”
Don’t internalise it
If someone levels criticism at you, you need not concern yourself with it. Indeed, their opinions and declarations are their responsibility, not yours.
“Learning not to take things personally is one of life’s greatest lessons,” advises Coyle. “Judgments and prejudices that people have of us are typically reflections of their own insecurities. Truly secure individuals rarely feel the urge to judge or belittle others.”
Recognising that the instigator of the cruelty might be dealing with their personal issues, possibly enduring harsh self-criticism, can offer valuable insight.
Release the past
According to Coyle, the past is set in stone and should not be a hindrance to the present or future.
“Retaining pain, resentment, and rage is like clutching a hot coal in the hope that its heat will scorch the other individual,” warns Coyle.
“If something does not contribute positively to our process of healing, it’s in our best interest to let go. It’s possible to forgive the individual for their actions whilst simultaneously disapproving of their conduct.”
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Embrace your emotions
The act of forgiving doesn’t necessitate the suppression of feelings of grief.
“Your emotions and feelings are legitimate, and it is entirely acceptable for you to experience pain. Allow yourself to embrace those feelings and emotions, acknowledge them and then let them pass,” encourages Coyle. “Writing about them in a journal can be an effective means of expressing these feelings.”
Moreover, you are more than capable of sharing your feelings with others, making efficient use of “I” statements. For instance, saying, “I was hurt when you left me out.”
It is crucial to refrain from saying ‘you made me feel’.
Coyle emphasises, “Nobody has the power to ‘make’ you feel in a specific way. You have the option of feeling either angry or sad. Realising this gives you the authority to decide and feel differently. You have dominance over your reactions. Understanding that we have a choice is incredibly empowering. Permit the emotions to enter, allow yourself to feel, but remember that it is your decision.”
Establishing Trust
The act of forgiving someone can alleviate our stress and enable us to trust others in the future.
Harbouring grudges and resentment may lead to the construction of barriers that can hinder our capability to form future connections, states Coyle.
“Still, if we decide to forgive, we can start seeing individuals as fallible, much like all of us. This is the human state. There is no harm in people erring. An individual’s action shouldn’t perpetually distort your trust in others.”