Dear Roe,
As a heterosexual man in my 30s, I have been seeking your counsel regarding dating etiquette. I was involved in a serious romantic relationship for seven long years, and marriage often seemed to be our shared destination. However, our distinct life aspirations eventually led to the disintegration of our relationship. The breakup left a deep scar on me, requiring substantial time and therapy to heal, as well as a self-imposed hiatus from romance. Spending quality time with friends and family proved therapeutic.
About twelve months ago, I felt primed to reintroduce myself to the dating scene and so I availed the services of various dating applications. I consider myself fortunate that these platforms have been efficacious for my search, bringing me in contact with a number of intellectually gifted, delightful, and attractive women. However, even following numerous encounters, I still feel unfulfilled as if I haven’t found the piece that fits my puzzle. As much as I would have reveled in deepening these connections, sharing intimate moments, creating memories, and perhaps sharing beds, my disinclination for anything long-term resulted in premature cessation of these potential liaisons.
I am fully aware that short-term relationships can bring joy. But since my ultimate goal lies in establishing a long-lasting partnership, mixed with the potential for miscommunication leading to unplanned hopes and expectations, I often withdraw after a few meetings, in fear of causing undue pain. My friends, irrespective of their gender, repeatedly reassure me that there is no harm in a casual physical relationship without the promise of long-term commitment. But, knowing that these very same friends have experienced heartache when their significant investments into potential relationships fell through, their advice feels ambivalent. I aspire to dive head-first into the vast ocean of dating, open to every opportunity it has to offer, but without leaving a trail of emotional casualties in my wake. Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.
The missive indicates your acknowledgement that individuals have been left feeling “crushed” once they comprehend that their romantic interest didn’t reciprocate their level of fondness. However, it’s essential to distinguish between the desolation over a casual liaison not evolving into something more and sentiments of deceit or manipulation. It’s entirely typical for people to encounter diverse emotions, develop aspirations and feel let down when dating, and indeed in life itself. Encountering negative feelings isn’t inherently adverse – it forms part of the rich tapestry of human experiences and the pursuit of love and companionship.
The emotions of dejection or misery aren’t merely integral to dating and life: they could also be expressions that inform us about ourselves and guide us towards our wishes if we take cognisance of them. Engaging in a casual dalliance and building up expectations only for them to flounder might imply that we elevate others onto a pedestal or hastily vault ahead, in a bid to expedite the process of dating to find the right person.
Becoming unreasonably infatuated with someone more than their reciprocal sentiments would indicate that we should perhaps build our self-confidence, as we tend to readily accept any positive attention. It might suggest we need to set our personal limits and be cautious while fostering relationships, concentrating on the actions of others rather than our personal delusions.
Conversely, this could also be viewed positively, and if our cynicism or disillusionment has been replaced with hope and romantic idealism, it points to our renewal and readiness to re-engage with life. It could indicate our happiness and the importance we attach to certain qualities in someone that mean a lot to us, teaching us to identify these qualities in future whilst also seeking a partner who shares our level of commitment and zeal.
In an interview, actress Lili Reinhart once shared her thoughts about mental health and spirituality with ex-monk Jay Shetty. One statement by Reinhart has profoundly resonated with me. Reinhart reflected on the idea that if she was initially a celestial entity, a mere form of energy, and someone, whether it be the universe, God or any other entity, posed a proposition before her. The proposition asked her if she preferred to visit Earth for a minuscule amount of time. During this fleeting period, she would experience the entire spectrum of human emotions – from love, heartbreak, anxiety, to bliss and euphoria. To this, her response was affirmative. She further remarked that whenever she grapples with strong emotions, it serves as a reality check for her to reassess the situation. Even if her emotions are distressing or unpleasant, she considers it a wonderful opportunity to be able to feel them at all. She uses this thought as a coping mechanism to ground herself whenever she senses darkness encroaching upon her.
This profound thought often helps me understand the heartbreak and disappointment associated with romance and love. Viewing these experiences as a part and parcel of the beautifully intricate, at times, painful nature of life helps deal with them. Being somebody who cares for others and connects with them often leads to experiencing these emotions.
With this in mind, you shouldn’t worry about shielding the individuals you date from feeling sadness or disappointment due to the relationship. However, there are two things I want you to consider. First, be completely honest and transparent in your dealings with the people you date. Secondly, avoid implying to your partners that you are more emotionally involved than you are in reality. This could be in the forms of making future plans that you know aren’t feasible, or by acts that can be interpreted as intense emotional investment, like introducing your partner to friends and family. If you can uphold your actions and behaviour and be sure of your honesty and emotional integrity, then you should enjoy your life. Don’t worry about preventing others from experiencing human emotions when things don’t go according to plan.
Take a moment to ponder if you are genuinely ready for a serious, lasting relationship and if you are providing yourself and others an adequate opportunity. It appears you are making decisions prematurely that many of these partnerships would not last, thereby terminating the bond before it has a fair chance. I’m curious to know whether this behaviour stems from your efforts to secure a stable relationship, or if it’s a defensive technique to guard against further emotional pain.
In the past, you were in a loving relationship and envisaging a future with someone – a profound loss indeed. This could understandably lead to some apprehension regarding forming deep emotional bonds again. However, imposing unrealistic expectations on how a fledgeling relationship should feel, without investing the time, emotional equity, closeness, or chances necessary for it to flourish, seems an almost guaranteed way to derail any potential associations before they can develop.
There’s a possibility that your worry about causing pain to others and your avoidance of it could be a subconscious effort to sidestep personal discomfort. It might be worthwhile discussing this with your therapist.
You’ve experienced a great deal and are deserving of assistance to manage your feelings about your past and this new chapter in your life. You’re evidently dedicated to behaving with honour and integrity. Just ensure that you’re as open to experiencing happiness as you are to evading heartache, and that the barriers you construct aren’t insurmountable to others.